An open letter to my ex boyfriend

An open letter to my ex boyfriend,

So I thought for a long time about doing this, I thought about emailing you personally but then I wouldn't want you to have the satisfaction of replying. See I know if you ever read this you will know it's about you but you won't be able to do anything about it because then everyone else will know it's about you to, and maybe then I will take back just a small bit of the control that you took from me. If you could I know you would ask why, why would I choose to do this now, because you are and always were too deluded to see that how you were would take me such a long time to get over, either that or you just didn't care, I don't know which is worse.

It took me a long time to come to terms with our relationship, what it had meant, what you did to me, how I would be in future relationships because of you. You ruined me, you controlled me mentally, and for a long time I believed that it was my fault, you always told me it was, how stupid of me to never have questioned it. But slowly over the last year and a half I have come to realise that actually, it wasn't my fault, it was never my fault and here I will lay out to you just why you are such a poisenous human being so that it is out of my head and out of my life forever. Perhaps I should have entitled this blog "It is not normal too" because, for the following section at least that is how I shall compose the following letter to you.

1. It is not normal too lie about being in continual contact with every single one of your ex partners: See you always told me that the reason why you lied was because I wanted you too, but then I thought about it, and I remembered oh wait, hang on, no I didn't want you to. I was in contact with my ex boyfriends and you knew, everyone has a past but you made me feel like yours was something to hide, perhaps because it was. I know you lied about having a restraining order on your first girlfriend, why did you tell me that, you made me think she was a physcho, you made me feel sorry for you, you made me think your life was so bad, the ironic thing is that everything you said she did the mind games, the manipulation, the making you feel worthless and then pulling you in again, the stalking, you did all those things to me.

2. It is not normal too lie about everything: Maybe I should have done this one first and then I could have just emcompassed everything you lied to me about. Your parents, your poor parents who paid for everything for you, who took you in for long periods at a time even though you were past the age where they needed to and never expected so much as a thank you in return. How would they feel if they knew you told everyone your Dad beat you, when he didn't, that your Mum stood by and watched and didn't care, how could someone be so poisenous as to say these things. Your best friend, you knew what had happened to him, his past, the traumatic experiences and yet you lied to his face making it seem like the most trivial thing in the world, did you feel left out, it felt like it, it felt like you needed bad things to happen so people would love you, you never realised that I loved you anyway. Your friends, if only they knew that everytime you blamed me for your not going out when you said "She doesn't want me to", you were actually just using me as an excuse. They hated me for that and you let them, I hate you for that.

3. It is not normal to push your girlfriend around:No, it's not. What's even worse is the reason you pushed me around was because I found out you cheated on me, did it make you feel big hurling me to the floor, did it remove some of the guilt to know that I was always terrified to mention it. It's also not normal to cheat on your girlfriend, to accuse her of cheating, even though you know I never did, because you feel so bad that all you can do is try and pass the blame off onto someone else. Those nights you stood over me while I shook with fear, what were you thinking? The worst thing is, is I know you, if you could read this now you would think nothing of it, you would truly believe as you always did that you never did anything wrong. You terrified me.

Having covered some of your biggest faux pas, and seriously, you need to do something about those. I just have some other things to say, the number of people I slept with before you? You should really have tried to get a grip on that one, telling me I was a slag and that it was hideous and that I should never sleep with anyone again when the number was below average, and even more ironically below the number of people that you had slept with. When you love someone you should love them no matter what, ex boyfriends are ex boyfriends for a reason and you should have trusted me. You made me feel like sex was an awful thing, this is something I have to deal with everyday, everytime I meet someone new, you ruined it, you ruined the excitment for me, the will we, won't we, I would never have taken that from you even if I could.

Your depression was not my fault, I know now that it started long before me and it continues now, I would have helped you, I would have done literally anything to make you happy and you knew that, yet instead of loving me back or loving that I loved you, you pushed me away, but pushed me away while telling me you still wanted me, I never knew what you wanted it was like you enjoyed the control of me spending everyday with the fear you were just going to walk out of my life leaving me a shell of the girl I once was. You manipulated me, being told 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, what to wear who I could hang out with, I was so young and naive when we first met I thought you were amazing, I wanted more than anything to make you happy. But you took away everything that I was, from my sense of style to my confidence, and left this girl who you picked up and left whenever you felt like it. I look back now and I think how could I have let you, you let my feet freeze in winter in tiny wet ballet pumps all because you didn't like the boots I was wearing.

In the bedroom you were selfish and unkind, when I put on weight you told me I was unfit and when I lost weight you presumed I was going to run off with someone else, you putting on weight was not my fault, you ate at work morning, noon and night and yet you would still blame me. Always trying to have sex with me and then pushing me away, you knew what you were doing, you made me feel like the most revolting girl on the planet so that when you said to me your parting gift "No man will ever want you for more than sex" do you know what? I actually believed you, I was 19 years old and I felt like the most worthless person the world had every known.

So this is it, I have spent every minute of my life hating you but now it is time to let go I spent so long blaming myself that I never realised that actually the person you made me out to be was never me, she was a figment of your imagination, the only thing that made me believe it was me was you telling me so many times. Every day I wake up and hope to hear that you have died just so the fear of running into you would go away, when I saw you from a distance at Christmas I went into shock, my body collapsed, the sick thing is I know you will take pleasure in that.

P.S I know how you are treating your new girlfriend, I know you say it's her fault to, I know you are making her life the living hell you made mine. The worst thing is, part of me doesn't care, the part of me that knows you got together while we were still together and the part of me that thinks thank god, it wasn't me it wasn't my fault. I hate that part of me, because it is the part most like you.